When things go wrong, how do we treat ourselves? What comes to your mind?
—Perhaps some self-criticism, being hard on ourselves?
—Feeling isolated or avoiding others for fear of shame?
—Ignoring our own painful feelings and distracting ourselves with entertainment, food, drink?
If, in recalling and reading this, we find we’re feeling a bit down about ourselves, we could place a hand on our heart or give our arm a reassuring rub. We could tell ourselves it’s okay, we’re all hard on ourselves at times. And we could perhaps encourage ourselves with some self-talk like, “May I be kind to myself in this moment.” Taking a moment to really feel that warmth and reassurance.
Here, we just practised all three components of self-compassion.
Mindfulness
In order to soothe our suffering, we first need to recognise our suffering. So mindfulness means simply being aware of our feelings and how painful they are, without getting carried away in the drama of the storyline.
Common humanity
How many times, when we fail or something goes wrong, do we feel, “This shouldn’t be happening!” Remembering others face the same challenges helps us feel normal. We’re not alone in our suffering. We all make mistakes, all of the time. Can we start to see this as part of the human condition?
Self-kindness
This means actively soothing and comforting ourselves when we experience suffering. Genuinely wishing ourselves to be happy and expressing that in our words or actions. Over time, this rewrites the scripts in our brains that trigger self-judgement, and self-kindness becomes our new default.
“A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.” ~ Chris Germer
I’m very grateful that I recently experienced this. In a future post, I’ll be sharing a personal story of using self-compassion in the face of unexpected suffering.
Still feeling skeptical? Worried that self-compassion might turn you into a wuss? Coming soon: what the research says about self-compassion as a key factor in building resilience. We’ll also be exploring the courageous, active aspects of self-compassion.
Content gratefully adapted from the Mindful Self-Compassion Teacher Training Course. Lyndi is a graduate of this course, based on the work of Kristin Neff and Chris Germer. Find out more or register for an MSC course in Brisbane.